Seek First

Matthew 6:33~ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

What does this verse really mean? What kind of implications does it have for my life? Wow, I'll tell you the truth. It's been one that has been plaguing my mind continually for the past few months. What does it mean to seek first His kingdom?

I think I used to have a better grasp on this concept when I was younger than I do even now. As a young teenager, I was on fire for Jesus. He was my life. It really began when I was about fifteen years old, and God spoke to me at a summer camp. The talk that night was about being "Kingdom Laborers." The speaker (I can't remember his name) talked about the early apostles- Peter, John, Paul, etc. They were men who stopped at nothing to advance the cause of the Gospel message. They didn't let circumstances dictate the course of their lives. They lived by the Truth. When they were beaten for their faith, they rejoiced for being counted worthy of suffering in His name. When they were scorned, rejected, and warned not to preach in this name, they prayed that the God of Heaven would increase their boldness. When they were thrown into prison, they sang songs to God in the midnight shadows. They saw their own chains and iron bars not as a hindrance, but as opportunities to show His glory! Instead of losing hope and crying in the corner, they started a ministry in their own jail cell and people came to Christ! I mean, who does that?! People who are "sold-out" and "recklessly abandoned" to Jesus.

I remember that night the stories of the early apostles kindled a flame in me- a flame that was a catalyst for movement in my heart. I wanted to do something for God. I wanted my small gifts and person to be a vessel for a greater cause. I wanted to be a Kingdom Builder. I remember it like it was yesterday. The big white tabernacle building and cool evening air; the tugging at my heart that caused me to stand up in front of a room full of people, make the long trip to the front, and kneel down on the cold cement floor. Funny, though, how I don't remember the people so much. I vaguely remember someone touching my shoulder and asking if I needed prayer. I said no. It was just me and God in that room. I said, "God use me. Take me anywhere. I'll do anything at any cost." And I felt Him assuring me that He would.

It's funny though, as you grow older how your heart sometimes grows more distant to that first call, that first love. I remember through high school, when I had a bad day I couldn't wait to get home, run up to my room, open my Bible, and lay it all out before the Lord until I felt His presence and Truth wash over me. I remember lying in bed at night CRYING out of frustration that I couldn't just leave and go overseas to share the gospel right then and there with people who were dying without the knowledge of Jesus. I wondered why I should go to college first.

What happened? In those days, "Seek first His kingdom" was a simple truth, an easy one! So how did I get here? Lately I've found this verse difficult! I find my mind more occupied with my own dreams and desires that seem so far off. I'll be honest. One of the things that constantly fills my thoughts is wondering how God is going to provide a husband for me who shares the same heart for working among the unreached. I'm at the stage of my life when the next step is the real one. I've wanted to be a Christian "worker" overseas since I was 10 years old. But there has always been a step between the present and the end goal of long-term work. When I was a teenager, I had to finish High School. When I was in Bible college, the next step was my internship. When I graduated college, the next thing was to pay off my loan. And now I'm finally nearing the end of this step, and the next step is to go. I'm both incredibly excited and terrified at the same time. I want to go, but I don't want to go alone. Yet I'm realizing more and more that it's not about what I want or think I need. I told Jesus that I would serve Him at any cost. That means giving Him everything I am, including my hopes and dreams.

Yep, I sometimes worry about this. But the more I reflect on this verse, I am encouraged. This is my own paraphrase of Matthew 6:33. This is how I read it:

"Jenna, you have permission to be completely and fully absorbed in my Kingdom purposes, and the day to day worries/needs of life will be handled by God Himself."

I do not know where God will take me. I do not know how He will choose to provide for me. I just know that He will. He is good. He is able. He is bigger than any fear I may have. He is my constant. He is my rock. He is my companion forever. And He is enough.

Like Jesus

I'm creating this blog mostly as a documentation of a new journey I've begun. Recently, I've found myself praying, "God, make me more like your Son." I've been a Christian since I was just a small girl, but lately I'm wondering- Do I even begin to know what it means to follow Jesus? Does it simply mean going to church, hanging out with fellow believers, reading the Word and praying? Sharing the Good News on occasion I'm sure must be a part of it all. Trying to be the best person I can be has to be at the top of the list. But is that all there is?

When I look at the Son of God that I read about in the Bible, I find myself looking into a face that is wearied with tears and heaviness. I see a man of sorrows, who is familiar with all kinds of grief and suffering. I see a man who lives among the destitute, who walks his road alone, and who mingles and interacts with the worst of all sinners on the streets. I see someone who has been slandered, misunderstood, and hated. If a stranger were to pass him on the street, he may feel pity and etch the Son of God's face on the tablet of his heart as just another statistic of the world's brokenness. But behind those tear-filled eyes is a joy that surpasses all human understanding and a holiness that has never before been experienced by mankind. As believers, we all say we want such a holiness and strive after such joy, but are we willing to walk where Jesus walked? Are we willing to even see what He saw? I, personally, don't know the answers to these questions! That is why I've begun to pray, "God, show me your glory." Reveal yourself to me as you are.

There has to be more to this journey, than my superficial knowledge of who Jesus really is. I want to truly know Him, but that means counting the cost. Why? Because the more I pray this prayer, the more I start to see that if I'm truly serious about this, I WILL endure suffering. In order to be like HIM, I have to be willing to follow in His footsteps- footsteps that lead to a wretched and terrible cross. And a cross that leads to the glory of God in an empty grave.

So I have started daily praying these words of Paul's in Philippians 3:10, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." And He's gently reminding me daily that if I'm certain that I want this deeper identification with Him, I have to be prepared for the tears that come with it. Because I'm getting that God's glory is often more clearly demonstrated through tears.

I do not know what to expect in the coming days. I do not know how my life will change as a result of this prayer. But I am expecting God to move. Otherwise, I would not have started this blog. I know full well, that my God answers prayer- especially when it fully aligns with His will. So I am preparing my heart to be ready for His answers. I do not know what I will have to endure, but I am confident of this: I don't want my life to be normal. I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be like Jesus.

Listen to Todd Agnew: "My Jesus"